I sometimes cannot control my imagination; I daydream too much about my dreams for the future from the job I'll be getting down to the wallpaper for my bedroom in my future apartment.
It seems that I have planned out a whole bunch of things in notebooks, index cards, my diary and even on my computer so I won't "forget" what I want. But is that really the reason?
Thinking about it further, I have come to a conclusion that all the lists, by-month schedules and saved pictures of clothes, kitchens and gadgets do not only make me unable to "forget" what I want, but they also constantly remind me that I can have what I want if I keep working hard.
I like the control I have over my pictured future; the fact that I can choose how I want to live makes me happy. Maybe this is because I am at such a chaotic state right now and have no control over my life in the sense that I am limited by time, money and opportunity, and most of all, by my own emotions.
My mind has somehow conditioned itself to create a power source of encouragement to keep me going, knowing that I am the type of person who gets discouraged easily. And yes, I am a dreamer, which makes it harder for me to be doing something I know I don't want to do, due to it being "practical", rather than jumping into the whirlwind of adventure I know I could experience if I only choose to risk it.
I admit, I am lazy and weak. When it comes to things I do not like to do, I can't seem to work hard enough to excel. And this is because I know what I want; and I want to go do what I want instead of "waste" my time doing something else.
People might think this is a negative trait, but despite their judgement, I have come to accept who I am; that I am a being fueled by passion and driven by her dreams.
I like taking risks, I like getting lost, I like trying things no one's ever tried before, but I don't like the idea of bringing those I care about down if I fail. I don't like to worry myself over what other people would think because of the burden I have to carry if I fail to fulfill their expectations.
I understand you shouldn't have to think about other people's opinions too much, but after years of living a life making decisions while trying to asses every outcome and keeping a certain reputation intact, it is difficult for me to deviate from my usual ways and do things because I want to, not because people expect me to.
Isn't that a beautiful phrase? "Doing things because I want to, not because people expect me to." I admire strong-willed people who know what they want and go for it. But the situations change for everybody and not everyone can afford to take risks. Not everyone can choose what they want and go for it because of the many limitations in their lives. And this hurts a lot of people, but some have grown to accept their situation, choosing practicality over the seemingly unrealistic. This is not true for dreamers though. Dreamers are ambitious, and aim for something they want, however big or small it may seem to everybody else. And it is the dreamer who, in my opinion, gets hurt the most.
Dreamers know what they want for the future, but not necessarily how to acquire it. Many dreamers who are limited by, say money, often lead themselves to various roads in life, trying to find the right bridge to cross, never really knowing how to get new shoes once they wear out their old ones. But they keep walking anyway.
And it is not a bad life. Actually, it is a life that will give you wisdom; something you cannot get with wealth, status, connections or reputation. But it is often tiring and painful. And some give up if so much has been lost already. But it doesn't mean they can't be happy. Life is not a game; it is not a competition to see who reaches their goal first. Life is... a journey. And you get to choose how your journey goes. Maybe not what kind of rocks you stumble upon, nor how high a wall you need to climb, but the essence of time; the things you learn, and the things you choose to learn; the roads you walk on and the paths you decide to take.
Life is good. But it is difficult.
And when you sit back, relax and listen to the echoes of laughter as your family gathers for the holidays, you'll realize that, despite the pain and trials, the discomforts and failures, and the heartaches or heartbreaks, life is, indeed, beautiful.
