2010: My Last Post

This will be my last blog post for 2010... can you believe that tomorrow will be a whole new year? It doesn't really seem so new... I don't feel that excited feeling I always used to feel when the new year is just hours away. And I know exactly why.

January 3rd. The day I go back to hell. January 3rd. The day all my problems will come back to haunt me. January 3rd.

I've tried to hide from them, it's exhausting trying to fight them and face them for so long. And its only been 2 years! The thing is, they won't go away that easily.

I know college isn't supposed to be so evil and horrific, but to me it is. All I want is to end the holidays with a smile on my face, happy to see my friends again, happy to be learning again, happy to be living my normal college life again, but no. I don't see it that way. Not at all.

I don't know why people go crazy just to get into college when I'm going crazy trying to run away from it. Maybe it's because they see themselves as something big in the future, without caring what others think of them. I care for the opinions of others too much and therefore hurt myself and my life. With that said, should I quit?

I know what you'll tell me. I know I know I know.

What I don't know, though, is what will happen if I take something because I love it; not really caring if it is not as challenging to me nor as admired by others like the B.I.G. jobs that win you Nobel prizes. What will happen if I take something because I want it to be my life? How will I be able to explain to myself that it's okay?

Sigh. I'm being forced by no one but myself. The world is changing. Taking a suicidal course in college is almost the same as trying to get a record company to sign you up for a contract and bring you to the top. It's mostly what you do that determines your fate. And I don't know what I should do yet.

2010 has been filled with many opportunities. Some I decided to take and some I chose to leave behind. And not all my choices were the wisest ones. 2011 is a new year. Another beginning filled with many opportunities more, yet I hope my struggle with patience will finally produce possibilities.

I can only hope.

Till next year,

Sahar

Over The Rainbow

There's something I wish to find somewhere over that rainbow...

As the song goes, "Somewhere over the rainbow, there's a dream."

Or at least I think it does...

Anyway, all I want is to find my dream, THE dream, catch it and live like all those Disney princesses have had the privilege of living; a happily ever after.

A life that sometimes feels like fantasy, so very far away; only in dreams.

I always feel emotional when I think about all the things I want to do and all the people who could care less about me. It's like the feeling you get when that sad song plays at the end of a movie, or that song the bride and groom dance to at their reception.

TTFN,

andSahar

The Fame Monster

The truth is, the feeling just keeps coming back whenever I see a picture or a comment on Facebook.

And I can see all the people who'd care when that plane lands.

I don't know if people would care if MY plane lands... except my family and friends.

But no one who I don't know will care.

Fame is a monster. And Lady Gaga captured one of them.

I want to capture one too.

Party Endings

I had so much fun last night, dancing, a few drinks, going crazy. I especially liked it because I was surrounded by my friends.

And I'm quite saddened as well for, er, specific reasons I cannot mention.

 It's sad when you know that you're going to loose someone just before you find out you like them, isn't it? Knowing that stepping out of that circle will jeopardize your life yet you still do because of the thrill of it. I like stepping out of my circle, possibly too much.

It's also sad to get attached to things even if you know that they will soon, very very soon, fade away.

And the confusing part is; you don't know if you'd take the feeling back or repeat the whole thing over again and not change a thing.

As for me, that's just another thing to be uncertain of.

In the Middle of November

No matter how many times people tell me to relax, I just can’t. It’s just not as easy for me to forget about my worries as it is for other people.

I know a few people who are almost worry-free at most points in their life. Life seems to be a breeze to them and it’s like I’m absorbing all their worries.

I’m no Spongebob.

But I am a sponge.

Spongebobette.

I remember that one afternoon when I dropped every bit of worry in my head and just had a good time. I don’t exactly know what came over me. I just felt… happy; seriously, plainly and utterly happy.

It’s surprising how my own self is almost a complete opposite of the “me” I allow people to know. It’s as if I don’t really know who I am, I just think I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just pretending to be this person I have to be rather than the person I am. 

But who am I exactly?

I never thought I’d be asking myself that question. I’ve always thought I knew myself. But in the bittersweet reality of it all, I may be unable to determine what truth really is.

As life pushes – no, drags me on, I can barely keep up. It makes me ask questions, makes me realize things; am I really being myself, or am I responding to the expectations of people?

I do not fully understand why I cannot just be happy where I am, enjoying who I am. I do not know why I have to struggle, wondering what I should become rather than just becoming what I want to be.

 Life is like New York, always busy, always jammed; a struggle. But somewhere, at some time; be it late Friday nights or early Sunday mornings, there is always that bit of happiness we enjoy when we take a sip of that cuppa’ jo. When we lie in bed, not worrying about that final exam nor that paper due Monday. When we just look up and tell ourselves that everything did turn out okay just like how we said it would when we were cramming over a college exam.

Now, I can just hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll be able to smile at myself and say, “it will all be okay” and actually believe it. Because in the bigger picture of life, that’s all we can really rely on…

TTFN,

andSahar

Worry

Worry: it is strenuous.

I was very positive this afternoon, unusually happy in fact. I didn't know why... then I thought about it;

It was raining and I had to go to the mall to get a gift for a friend who'd be celebrating her birthday that evening. As I said, it was raining, and it was raining quite hard. I put on a happy face, stepped onto the balcony and said, "Lord, stop the rain!" and waited...

 Nothing happened. Then I whispered, "It was worth a try.", smiled to myself and went back inside to change.

 Just a minute before I stepped out of the front door, the rain stopped into a drizzle, a very light one at that. I was surprised with myself because I tried not to worry about the rain and it paid off.

When the bible said that if we had the faith of a mustard seed and commanded a mountain to move it would, I don't think it was all about TRYING to ACQUIRE that faith, rather, to take away WORRY.

The reason we doubt is because we worry about so many things, and if we take away worry, we will surely be happier.

I always wondered how those carefree people do it; calm in difficult situations, happy in desperate moments, and just freely living their lives the way they want to. The secret is to lessen worry.

It's THAT simple. Well, the secret is, but the mere act isn't.

Then again, why should we be worried? All we need to do is try.

I did, just this afternoon when I prayed the rain would stop. I was worried I'd get my pants all muddy. But I deleted worry from my hard drive and viola, I ended up having a damn good day.

Worry, that witty monster.

TTFN,

andSahar

The Hard Way

I know it isn't right for me to be ungrateful for what I have, but I am. I've got so much I should be thankful about - and I am thankful too - but then when I look at all the pictures of other people's lives, I take a step back and wonder why I do not enjoy the same things they do.

People have told me that I am very lucky and I yet, I have realized that there are so many different kinds of "lucky". The "luckiness" varies from person to person and their way of life.

Let me make this clearer to you; If a blind man tells you that you are lucky, he means it by saying you are not deprived of your five senses. If an orphan tells you that you are lucky, it is meant by saying you have a family and must be grateful for that. If a poor teenager tells you that you are lucky, she means it by saying you have enough money to pay for your college tuition. And if you take all these into mind and tell some rich woman that she is lucky, then it is like telling yourself that you are deprived of the things that she enjoys. And it pains me to admit that whenever I look at a rich person, I somehow admit to myself indirectly that I am incomplete, even if I was ensured by the blind man, the orphan and the poor teenager that I was.

I have once written down on paper all the things I hate about myself. I did not feel better, I felt worse.

I have always seen my life as something blessed and good, yet when I stumble upon the lives of others, I sometimes don't feel that lucky anymore. Countless times I have written about my insecurities. Countless, countless times, but pouring out what I feel doesn't seem to work.

The question is, what will suffice?

The answer? "Count your BLESSINGS instead of sheep."

To sum it all up, I don't really believe in luck. Anymore. Now to take that paper and erase all my sheep drawings...

TTFN,

andSahar

Catching The Needle's Eye

We decide; and those decisions can either be wrong or right.

But the sad truth is we won't know for sure what the effects of our decisions will be to those around us.

What happens if we lie? Will it be better than telling the truth? But if we tell the truth, then wouldn't that hurt more?

It's hard especially when the decisions are about turning wrong to right. How exactly do you decide?

Take friendships for instance; at one point you'll say this is what you're supposed to do, but then, the other point pops up and you suddenly see the possible effects of your actions.

Will I tell the truth or won't I?

If I don't, then all will be good but I will never know what I did wrong.

If I do, then will our friendship last? Will my truth be accepted?

Decisions, decisions. They're difficult, but we have to make them.

Our decisions are what helps us learn how to choose between what's right and what's easy. And we must not always think that what's easy is always the wrong thing to do. Sometimes we don't have to try very hard. ~Sahar

Our decisions don't always have to be right ones. But they have to be made with the right intentions. And whether it brings about a bad or good effect, at least we know that we did SOMETHING to try and make it right.

TTFN,

andSahar

Sheep for Valentine's Day

Yes, friends can say the craziest things that might mean something totally different to you. It's really cool how friendships are; one thing I've learned:

"Count your blessings, and not your sheep. Why? You don't have sheep, so why count them? Unless you're a farmer. But farmers consider having sheep a blessing."

If we keep counting what we don't have, we'll make our lives miserable. We'll feel so empty and alone when in fact, we aren't. That was my mistake. I kept counting all the things I didn't have and didn't like about my life that I forgot about the things that actually mattered. I kept writing about all the people who let me down and complained about them and forgot about the people who really cared about me and who'd never replace me no matter what.

These blogs may mean nothing to you, but it definitely means something to me. I'm happy I have a sister who makes me believe that I can do so much more than what I think I can. I'm happy I have a mom who'd make me strive for the best by realizing what is truly meant by taking the risk of failure, and I'm happy I have a family who I can look up to no matter what and where. My friends are gifts to me and I have to treasure them. My life, my love, my God. Every little thing is a blessing counted. And every little blessing has its place in my heart.

Happy Valentine's Day!

TTFN, Tah Tah For Now (Like TIGGER!)

andSahar