When I Become Famous

I know that we're supposed to start the new year right and with a positive attitude, but I with all honestly am so lonely and depressed.

Yes, I did smile when 12:00AM January 1st, 2012 struck my country, and I have the embarrassing photo to prove it, but after all the noise-making, the merry-making, the eating, the drinking, the laughing and more eating, I suddenly looked around me, seeing all the smiles and happy faces around me, contented with who they are and what they have accomplished, and I almost shed a tear.

Because I am none of those things.

I am not contented with who I am. I haven't really accomplished anything yet. I am neither happy nor sad. I am nonchalant, that's what I am. What an enthusiastic post to start the year, eh?

It's just that whenever I see her, I feel like she's so much ahead. I know she's just like everyone else, but to me it's like she isn't. She drains me out and makes me feel like my efforts aren't worth anything.

This is one example wherein sweat and blood don't exactly make you feel triumphant. But one thing is for sure; I am in love. I am in love with my family.

That's one thing she can't have, as compared to the million other things I can't. But a million isn't worth anything if family isn't involved. That's what I learned when I looked around me; I have a family. Yes we aren't perfect, but we're a family nonetheless.

When I become famous, I will look back at what I have, not what I don't, and realize that the most beautiful gift I am blessed with is having a family to live and share my life with.

The Dawning

It's unfortunate that these passed two weeks were pretty depressing for me...these last weeks of 2011 brought me a lot of tearful nights and mornings, and even now I feel that tightening of the heart, wondering, just wondering, what I did wrong.

I feel like I just lost someone very special to me, and I do not know what became of him. Unlike if one experiences loss due to death, you know it is definite. But my case is a little different because death was not a participant, just simple, undying loss; just like the disappearing act.

I always thought I wasn't attractive nor interesting because of how I was brought up; simplicity being an important part of my life. Simplicity which I thought was so, having been evolved into neglect and laziness. I became a person who did not really care of what people thought, at least that was what I felt at the time. I realize only now that what I felt was just an excuse; I was really in denial, knowing that I had no sense of style and pretended not to care about the public eye because I didn't known how to deal with it.

Now, I am 19, going on 20 in a few months. I still do not know how to dress up everyday not looking like I just stepped out of a classroom after a horrible exam. I do not have an eye for fashion for myself, but I do have an eye for beautiful things. I still feel insecure around the people who are confident in their skin because they know they are beautiful and are proud of it. My fear; turning out like them and becoming big-headed.

I do not know Adriana Lima personally, but I hear she is smart and humble, growing up on a farm eating berries all day. But I cannot be Adriana Lima. I cannot eat berries all day in hopes to transform into a 5'10'' Brazilian goddess turned Victoria Secret Model.

Back to my first paragraph, these passed few weeks have been difficult; you meet new people and you are never really sure whether they will or will not disappoint. They color your life yet not all colors go well together. I have met some pretty good people, and because of them I have experienced the most difficult things a girl can experience. But it is part of life, and part of learning.

So here we are, once again, at the bottom of the page and at the beginning of a new chapter and a new year. It ended pretty depressingly, but it is always darkest before dawn. As the next few days are coming to an end, I hope you realize how important each of the stumbling stones we are facing is in our journey towards a better future.

Yeah, you've heard it before, you've also heard that practice makes perfect, but did you give it any attention? Just take a look at your calculus exams.
Right then.

It is always darkest before dawn. But when is the dawn coming? And how will we know if it is already darkest? That, my friends, is what we'll have to live through to figure out. Good luck. We'll sure as hell need it.