2010: My Last Post

This will be my last blog post for 2010... can you believe that tomorrow will be a whole new year? It doesn't really seem so new... I don't feel that excited feeling I always used to feel when the new year is just hours away. And I know exactly why.

January 3rd. The day I go back to hell. January 3rd. The day all my problems will come back to haunt me. January 3rd.

I've tried to hide from them, it's exhausting trying to fight them and face them for so long. And its only been 2 years! The thing is, they won't go away that easily.

I know college isn't supposed to be so evil and horrific, but to me it is. All I want is to end the holidays with a smile on my face, happy to see my friends again, happy to be learning again, happy to be living my normal college life again, but no. I don't see it that way. Not at all.

I don't know why people go crazy just to get into college when I'm going crazy trying to run away from it. Maybe it's because they see themselves as something big in the future, without caring what others think of them. I care for the opinions of others too much and therefore hurt myself and my life. With that said, should I quit?

I know what you'll tell me. I know I know I know.

What I don't know, though, is what will happen if I take something because I love it; not really caring if it is not as challenging to me nor as admired by others like the B.I.G. jobs that win you Nobel prizes. What will happen if I take something because I want it to be my life? How will I be able to explain to myself that it's okay?

Sigh. I'm being forced by no one but myself. The world is changing. Taking a suicidal course in college is almost the same as trying to get a record company to sign you up for a contract and bring you to the top. It's mostly what you do that determines your fate. And I don't know what I should do yet.

2010 has been filled with many opportunities. Some I decided to take and some I chose to leave behind. And not all my choices were the wisest ones. 2011 is a new year. Another beginning filled with many opportunities more, yet I hope my struggle with patience will finally produce possibilities.

I can only hope.

Till next year,

Sahar

Over The Rainbow

There's something I wish to find somewhere over that rainbow...

As the song goes, "Somewhere over the rainbow, there's a dream."

Or at least I think it does...

Anyway, all I want is to find my dream, THE dream, catch it and live like all those Disney princesses have had the privilege of living; a happily ever after.

A life that sometimes feels like fantasy, so very far away; only in dreams.

I always feel emotional when I think about all the things I want to do and all the people who could care less about me. It's like the feeling you get when that sad song plays at the end of a movie, or that song the bride and groom dance to at their reception.

TTFN,

andSahar

The Fame Monster

The truth is, the feeling just keeps coming back whenever I see a picture or a comment on Facebook.

And I can see all the people who'd care when that plane lands.

I don't know if people would care if MY plane lands... except my family and friends.

But no one who I don't know will care.

Fame is a monster. And Lady Gaga captured one of them.

I want to capture one too.

Party Endings

I had so much fun last night, dancing, a few drinks, going crazy. I especially liked it because I was surrounded by my friends.

And I'm quite saddened as well for, er, specific reasons I cannot mention.

 It's sad when you know that you're going to loose someone just before you find out you like them, isn't it? Knowing that stepping out of that circle will jeopardize your life yet you still do because of the thrill of it. I like stepping out of my circle, possibly too much.

It's also sad to get attached to things even if you know that they will soon, very very soon, fade away.

And the confusing part is; you don't know if you'd take the feeling back or repeat the whole thing over again and not change a thing.

As for me, that's just another thing to be uncertain of.