When I Become Famous

I know that we're supposed to start the new year right and with a positive attitude, but I with all honestly am so lonely and depressed.

Yes, I did smile when 12:00AM January 1st, 2012 struck my country, and I have the embarrassing photo to prove it, but after all the noise-making, the merry-making, the eating, the drinking, the laughing and more eating, I suddenly looked around me, seeing all the smiles and happy faces around me, contented with who they are and what they have accomplished, and I almost shed a tear.

Because I am none of those things.

I am not contented with who I am. I haven't really accomplished anything yet. I am neither happy nor sad. I am nonchalant, that's what I am. What an enthusiastic post to start the year, eh?

It's just that whenever I see her, I feel like she's so much ahead. I know she's just like everyone else, but to me it's like she isn't. She drains me out and makes me feel like my efforts aren't worth anything.

This is one example wherein sweat and blood don't exactly make you feel triumphant. But one thing is for sure; I am in love. I am in love with my family.

That's one thing she can't have, as compared to the million other things I can't. But a million isn't worth anything if family isn't involved. That's what I learned when I looked around me; I have a family. Yes we aren't perfect, but we're a family nonetheless.

When I become famous, I will look back at what I have, not what I don't, and realize that the most beautiful gift I am blessed with is having a family to live and share my life with.

The Dawning

It's unfortunate that these passed two weeks were pretty depressing for me...these last weeks of 2011 brought me a lot of tearful nights and mornings, and even now I feel that tightening of the heart, wondering, just wondering, what I did wrong.

I feel like I just lost someone very special to me, and I do not know what became of him. Unlike if one experiences loss due to death, you know it is definite. But my case is a little different because death was not a participant, just simple, undying loss; just like the disappearing act.

I always thought I wasn't attractive nor interesting because of how I was brought up; simplicity being an important part of my life. Simplicity which I thought was so, having been evolved into neglect and laziness. I became a person who did not really care of what people thought, at least that was what I felt at the time. I realize only now that what I felt was just an excuse; I was really in denial, knowing that I had no sense of style and pretended not to care about the public eye because I didn't known how to deal with it.

Now, I am 19, going on 20 in a few months. I still do not know how to dress up everyday not looking like I just stepped out of a classroom after a horrible exam. I do not have an eye for fashion for myself, but I do have an eye for beautiful things. I still feel insecure around the people who are confident in their skin because they know they are beautiful and are proud of it. My fear; turning out like them and becoming big-headed.

I do not know Adriana Lima personally, but I hear she is smart and humble, growing up on a farm eating berries all day. But I cannot be Adriana Lima. I cannot eat berries all day in hopes to transform into a 5'10'' Brazilian goddess turned Victoria Secret Model.

Back to my first paragraph, these passed few weeks have been difficult; you meet new people and you are never really sure whether they will or will not disappoint. They color your life yet not all colors go well together. I have met some pretty good people, and because of them I have experienced the most difficult things a girl can experience. But it is part of life, and part of learning.

So here we are, once again, at the bottom of the page and at the beginning of a new chapter and a new year. It ended pretty depressingly, but it is always darkest before dawn. As the next few days are coming to an end, I hope you realize how important each of the stumbling stones we are facing is in our journey towards a better future.

Yeah, you've heard it before, you've also heard that practice makes perfect, but did you give it any attention? Just take a look at your calculus exams.
Right then.

It is always darkest before dawn. But when is the dawn coming? And how will we know if it is already darkest? That, my friends, is what we'll have to live through to figure out. Good luck. We'll sure as hell need it.

Societal Monotony

I am now at the point in my life where I have no interest in taking part in societal monotony. I have never found a liking in conforming to the public's view of how life should be lived, what clothes are in fashion, the picture of perfection in all aspects of materialism and superficiality and most of all, the stereotypical view of many on the physical interpretation of beauty.

Further more, I am utterly disgusted by the idea of resigning myself to such actions and high regard for the frivolous, materialistic and sundry desires of which society now has condemned others to thinking is a necessity.

These superficial propensities have caused a stir in my heart and mind due to the sad yet fast-spreading idea of what beauty should look like on the outside, rather than what beauty should be like in the inside.

I cannot deny the possibility of myself conforming to such ways of which I am highly in disagreement to. Then I shall have to admit that societal influence has grown stronger with every passing year and that I am fast becoming a victim like so many others who have given in at the expense of their reputation. And as such I am admitting that I am under the pressure of being just that of which I do not want to become.

That said, I am against my own accord. I will one day succumb, if I do not already, but as long as I am still in my current teenage mind, channeling uncharted waters, I shall write this down, save it, then delete it 20 years from now.

LoveSick and Sick of Love

He made me feel special, they all did. That's what they all do, until they decide to give you up.

I've been feeling down lately because I do not understand why different people from different walks of life do the same old, painful things to me. It's like a routine they practice at some school; first they make you feel all pretty and important, and then they'll make you feel cared for. And usually, at this point, you fall for their tricks, but not me. I don't because I test them; see if they'll take that extra mile for me. And I always end up disappointed.

No one is willing to make time when there is no time. And you'll know if a guy really cares for you because he'll MAKE time for you NO MATTER WHAT.

"You'll know he cares if he's always there, even if he can't be around. He'll make you feel like you're special because he knows it's true. He won't force emotion nor feelings because they all come naturally when he sees you."

Summer Goals

I've got so many short-term goals this summer.

Exercise, learn French, develop my Volleyball skills... and control my diet.

So far I've been doing pretty good, but that's probably because it's only been two days since summer started. Already I've brushed my shoes clean, given Puppy (my teddy bear) a bath and cropped my old baggy pants into a really nice skirt. I've still got so much to do around the house... you know, clean my room and all that. I'm planning on doing that tomorrow. I've also set up a work schedule, giving myself a maximum of 2 hours on the internet and laptop.

Well, if I can help it that is.

I'm not on Facebook so much because it makes me quite depressed. I don't text so much either. I'm mostly on twitter and Youtube, or here. I like to devote my time on writing songs and keeping my life in check, especially with my birthday coming up. I'm turning 19.

It's not everyday you meet people who like reading about ordinary people's lives.

Maybe that'll be my next goal; try and find a way to make myself extraordinary. Wait... that has been my goal for a few years now. Then maybe my goal should be to reach that goal. Oh well, my time's almost up.

TTFN,

andSahar

Backing Out

Tomorrow I have got a chemistry exam, and until know, I haven't studied for it. I know I'll regret it, but that still doesn't drive me to study. I'm losing hope I guess. I don't think chemistry is for me. Aren't I supposed to be interested in it then study for it because of my interest? I admire those people who are forced to take something they do not like but still excel because of scholarships, or because of expectations. They are driven, and no matter how much I try to find that drive to drive me into reaching for excellence, I still cannot get the one that will push me to my limits. I don't know why, I don't know when, I don't know how. All I know is that I do not want to do it anymore. But so far, I cannot choose to back out.

TTFN,

andSahar

2011: My First Post

This is a whole new year.

Another set of 365 days, 364 now that it's January 2.

I don't know how to start the year. I still feel like it's just 2010 repeating itself.

I'm more scared than excited. The idea of possibilities seem scarier than opportunities, don't you think?

I've listed down some things I want to change. New year resolutions? Naw, I never follow them anyway. Just things I want to change.

1. My current body weight.
2. My whole closet.
3. My lame gadgets.
4. My height? Anyone know how I can get taller?
5. The things I eat.
6. The number of things I eat.
7. My internet hours. (By "internet" I mean FB, Twitter and Tumblr.)
8. My current residence. I want to travel. See life in another country.
9. My relationships. Friends. Foes. Family.
10. My habits. I like to peel the skin of my lips and fingers.
11. My study habits.

I should have checklist, huh? Oh well. Let's hope this list won't be like all my other failed new year resolutions.

TTFN, Tah Tah For Now,

andSahar