Wine and Money Money Money

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When I was in high school, nobody gave me frank answers to this thing called "reality". I was living in a bubble and all I could see were the rainbow patterns drifting around, oblivious to what was really going on outside.

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My teachers would encourage me to dream big, and I would fall carelessly into my own imagination and lose myself in dreams of the future, thinking that once this whole "education" system was over, I'd soon get to that stage where I'd enjoy a fancy bubble bath with rose petals and candle light while sipping a glass of Laurent-Perrier Rose, staring into the starlit night through the glass walls of my penthouse.

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Boy was that screwed up.

It turns out, high school is just a stage in life where, if you are someone like me, you get to enjoy the final stages of being a dependent; a young and carefree lady (or gentleman) who can juggle homework, exams, student council responsibilities, the volleyball and track and field teams, prayer obligations and the occasional Saturday afternoons with your friends. Not to mention graduate on time while still making it to the top 10 list of honor students.

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I was 10th on that list.

I am not bragging. I am simply reminding myself that even though college turned out to be the complete opposite of what I experienced back in the "old" days, I did experience being at the top of my game; the leader of the pack; the alpha dog. And I'm proud of that. And though college turned my once idealist self into a realist (I still like to consider myself an optimist though, even if I know I may very well not be.), I did have a good four years of torture.

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They were four years of independence... (alright three if you don't include freshman year because, frankly speaking, we didn't have a clue what we were doing then) and the years I spent took me into a whirlwind of adventure; a dive so deep it made a permanent mark into my whole depiction of the world; of my future.

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It turns out I burst that bubble and have emerged into the state of adulthood. And I say this because right now, things are different; no more exams, no more midterms, no more cramming for a test because of partying the night before. This time, the mistakes I will make will have greater consequences to my life; I can't simple pass the next test if I fail the first one. College was a transition into reality, which is funny because I thought college was where reality emerged in all its splendor.

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Haha. Didn't see that one coming.

Now, being an individual responsible for my own life completely (and possibly for a few others), things are starting to get real. Questions start to rise and they bite me in the ass every time; and I realize that the only bubbly I can afford is the one you use to wash those dirty dishes that have been lying around for the past 4 hours (and I am being discreet here).

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Money was something I did not have a lot of, but when I did have it, I'd spend it on experiences, and I guess this is why people would think I had a lot (and I did like the feeling of being wealthy, even if it was just for a moment). Now, everything is built on practicality; you need to be practical to survive. But I don't want a life lingering on that; I am a woman fueled by passion and driven by adventure! And although the adventures I experience now consist mostly of, well, odd jobs, I never lost that high school dreamer in me that I once knew.

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I love my life, and I love even more the life I see in my head every time I stare off into space. But seriously, looking back at all the things I did; the lies, the cries, the cramming, the partying, (I keep mentioning the partying), all of them were a part of why I'm the person I am now. And although I did not have everything I wanted; my vintage-style bath tub, a bottle of 1982 vintage Merlot to get me through rough patches, or a penthouse, I did get what I needed; the wrong friends to get me through, the right friends to get me going; the hot sweaty days and the long sleepless nights of studying; the bonfires, the beers, and the experience of a lifetime. Truly, I say to you, I would never trade these memories with all the money in the world.

Well, maybe.

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Hahaha, just kidding. ;-)

XXOO

Disclaimer: Images are NOT mine. Links to their sources are given below each image.

The Beauty of Life's Imperfections

I sometimes cannot control my imagination; I daydream too much about my dreams for the future from the job I'll be getting down to the wallpaper for my bedroom in my future apartment.

It seems that I have planned out a whole bunch of things in notebooks, index cards, my diary and even on my computer so I won't "forget" what I want. But is that really the reason?

Thinking about it further, I have come to a conclusion that all the lists, by-month schedules and saved pictures of clothes, kitchens and gadgets do not only make me unable to "forget" what I want, but they also constantly remind me that I can have what I want if I keep working hard.

I like the control I have over my pictured future; the fact that I can choose how I want to live makes me happy. Maybe this is because I am at such a chaotic state right now and have no control over my life in the sense that I am limited by time, money and opportunity, and most of all, by my own emotions.

My mind has somehow conditioned itself to create a power source of encouragement to keep me going, knowing that I am the type of person who gets discouraged easily. And yes, I am a dreamer, which makes it harder for me to be doing something I know I don't want to do, due to it being "practical", rather than jumping into the whirlwind of adventure I know I could experience if I only choose to risk it.

I admit, I am lazy and weak. When it comes to things I do not like to do, I can't seem to work hard enough to excel. And this is because I know what I want; and I want to go do what I want instead of "waste" my time doing something else.

People might think this is a negative trait, but despite their judgement, I have come to accept who I am; that I am a being fueled by passion and driven by her dreams.

I like taking risks, I like getting lost, I like trying things no one's ever tried before, but I don't like the idea of bringing those I care about down if I fail. I don't like to worry myself over what other people would think because of the burden I have to carry if I fail to fulfill their expectations.

I understand you shouldn't have to think about other people's opinions too much, but after years of living a life making decisions while trying to asses every outcome and keeping a certain reputation intact, it is difficult for me to deviate from my usual ways and do things because I want to, not because people expect me to.

Isn't that a beautiful phrase? "Doing things because I want to, not because people expect me to." I admire strong-willed people who know what they want and go for it. But the situations change for everybody and not everyone can afford to take risks. Not everyone can choose what they want and go for it because of the many limitations in their lives. And this hurts a lot of people, but some have grown to accept their situation, choosing practicality over the seemingly unrealistic. This is not true for dreamers though. Dreamers are ambitious, and aim for something they want, however big or small it may seem to everybody else. And it is the dreamer who, in my opinion, gets hurt the most.

Dreamers know what they want for the future, but not necessarily how to acquire it. Many dreamers who are limited by, say money, often lead themselves to various roads in life, trying to find the right bridge to cross, never really knowing how to get new shoes once they wear out their old ones. But they keep walking anyway.

And it is not a bad life. Actually, it is a life that will give you wisdom; something you cannot get with wealth, status, connections or reputation. But it is often tiring and painful. And  some give up if so much has been lost already. But it doesn't mean they can't be happy. Life is not a game; it is not a competition to see who reaches their goal first. Life is... a journey. And you get to choose how your journey goes. Maybe not what kind of rocks you stumble upon, nor how high a wall you need to climb, but the essence of time; the things you learn, and the things you choose to learn; the roads you walk on and the paths you decide to take.

Life is good. But it is difficult.

And when you sit back, relax and listen to the echoes of laughter as your family gathers for the holidays, you'll realize that, despite the pain and trials, the discomforts and failures, and the heartaches or heartbreaks, life is, indeed, beautiful.

You Only Live Once

Wow, I haven't been here since 2012 I believe.

I'm into writing on diaries now, as it is more private. But sometimes nothing can beat the sound of the keyboard being typed on.

Forgive this long essay, writing comforts me. You'll see why in a moment.

I've failed myself. My last few posts back in 2012 were about how I wanted to be someone; how I wanted my twenties to be spent like girls in their twenties would in the movies I've watched and the stories I've read. I wanted it to be of worth and value, something memorable and fun. Not just something I have to live in. Well that dream isn't launched yet, nor is it launching anytime soon.

The rocket ship flew, but when it hit the stratosphere, it fell back down and crashed. It's broken now. And I have no way of getting back up until I fix it. And revise it.

So far my test runs haven't been doing so well. I feel like a Mentose candy being thrown into a bottle of Coke.

I apologies for the bluntness. I can't say these past few months have been anything but awful for me. My plans are constantly in need of... revision. My skin, hair, smile, even my aura has changed due to the circumstances befalling me, which affected (affects) my current "pattern" of living.

They say I am a strong woman, but sometimes the strong exterior is just a shield protecting the fearful warrior behind it. And needless to say, I am that fearful warrior. I am very afraid.

I have constantly dealt with change my whole life. I learned the hard way that one's plans cannot always push through as expected. And when they do fail, it is nothing short of disappointing. Crushing. And sometimes heartbreaking. Especially when these plans deal with your life. Your future. Your dreams.

I know I am not the only one. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

In the movies and stories, girls my age go to the beach and enjoy the waves. They go shopping, stalk boys, have Spring Break, even go camping. I want to learn how to surf, to go jet skiing, wall climbing, archery... I want to be able to roast marshmallows by the fire with my besties. I want to be able to drive and go on roadtrips. I don't want to be so afraid of airplane rides, or swimming in lakes. But somehow the way I have lived my life has planted in me that seed of worry.

And it's growing.

The longer I live, the more I worry, most especially because none of the plans I have had in mind are working out at all.

I know that isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I am tired. And I just need to rest a while, you know? Get away from it all.

Back in college, the motto was "Study hard, party harder.". And before I never truly understood the need to do so.  But now, I see the importance of alcohol. I see the need for letting lose and just having fun; it's called survival. Now some people don't practice those methods, but to each his own, right?

I wanna go to the beach and sunbathe and not worry about getting a tan just because my friends consider it "beautiful" to be fair-skinned. I want to go roller skating in a bikini with the rest of the girls in California or Australia and not be conscious. I want to go sky diving in Rio, visit the Louvre in France, ride a Vespa in Roam, watch a fashion show in Milan, I want to do so many things and knowing that I only have one life to live worries me...

You only live once. And right now, I'm living to survive. To secure a place for my future. Yet doing so has trapped me in fear.

A preacher once said that we must give to Him our need to understand His plan.

It's not very easy, especially when you overanalize like I do. But I try. And honestly, not having everything figured out usually brings me to a happier place.

Another preacher once said that when your life starts falling apart, it might just start falling into place.

And I wish that very much.

You fail, you try again. You fail once more, you try once more. The only time you truly fail is if you allow yourself to give in to the notion that nothing can be done to improve you life. And I won't let that happen.

I'm stuck, but sometimes being stuck allows you time to rest awhile.

God knows I need that time.

You see, writing comforts me this way; allowing me to change perspectives by channeling my emotions into... ideas.

I am not cured of the inflictions caused by my own doing, but at least I have some way of belting it out piece by piece.

Who knows, later on today, tomorrow, or next year, I might finally learn how to shoot an arrow. And I might actually be good at it.

Regrets

"Ever walk into a situation where you know exactly what's going to happen, and then you go and do it anyway, and then when what you're afraid of happens, you kick yourself because you should've known better. But that's just who you are. So you keep punishing yourself."

~Snow White; Once Upon a Time

I have been in many situations where I knew in my mind what was going to happen; I knew the consequences, and I knew that I could save myself a great deal if I just simply walked away. And now I live with regret, thinking to myself, wondering; why didn't I just walk away?

I feel like a stupid schoolgirl who failed her exams because she refused to study her lessons, even though she was given so many chances to do so. Wait - I still am that stupid schoolgirl.

I just never learn my lessons for the long run. Do I have to be constantly reminded of how shitty being regretful feels? The uneasiness makes me want to puke every time; knowing that I'm not right with God, with others and with myself.

But that's just how it is. I think the thing we have to constantly remind ourselves is; you can't take back the past and redo your mistakes. You just gotta learn how to deal with your life and keep learning. It's painful to wait for forgiveness. So do the time. Earn it. Learn. And when someone questions you, be strong and humble; you know you've done wrongly, so accept it, apologize, learn from it and carry on. 

Keep calm. Life's too short to live in regret, because if you do, you're more likely to regret living.

I Dream a Dream

   Working at a lab has got me to thinking about what I really want to be in life; and it is not a Chemist. I've finally found my true calling. I want to be someone who always do different things all the time.

Someone like Angelina Jolie who helped the poor, is an ambassador, models, acts and at the same time, juggles with life as a mom, a wife and a woman.

I want to be like Taylor Swift who sings for millions, touching their lives and at the same time lives her life as a teen fulfilling her dreams, endorsing CoverGirl, selling dresses, acting as both actress and voice character, and at the same time searching for the man of her dreams.

   
 I want to rock the world with my music and be a performer like Avril Lavigne, I want to feel those jitters backstage before every performance; I want to take photography classes and be photographed; I want to go horseback riding and take archery; I want to be able to bake and open the cafe' my mom, sister and I have dreamed about back in the year 2000 when we'd make little clay replicas of the cakes and pastries we'd create; I want to act and wear beautiful gowns and be on magazines for all the right reasons - even if they could find some fault in my fashion sense. I want to be trending on twitter and have my own fan page; I want to take boxing and do pilates and endorse products I believe in.

These are dreams almost every girl has, as they are mine. And though I do not feel in my soul that this is my destiny, it sure is a great thing to dream about. And if I could find the tiniest hope in my heart (and I already have), I would try my best to take this dream to the world.

   So get ready world. I'm 20 years old, but I've still got 80 years left!

Fashion Hauls

I've been on youtube and have seen so many fashion hauls by teens and women who spend a lot and have lots to spend on. It's crazy fun watching all the awesome things they get for themselves then seeing yet another video of their whole new fashion haul the next week or month on items so totally new and different. I'll have to admit, I'm a little jealous, but unlike before, I'm more excited now about what my future has in store.
I'm pretty excited because I'll have my own job, I'll get my own salary, I have a basic plan of action to get rich and I am pretty pushed now. I just hope this determination wouldn't die down after a few month's time. I have a lot on my checklist, and one of them is an Apple/Sony laptop. I'm all for functionality and style.
I just hope that when I reach that age where I can get all these things I'd still be fairly young. I want to enjoy my 20's like a gal in her twenties should. I didn't get to enjoy my teen years like a teen should and so I want to make it up to myself.
Anyway, it's getting late, actually it already is. I'll call it a night - or a morning.
^^

Black and White

Five men. Four I don't care for, but the fifth.

Why is life like that? I keep asking myself why life is so unfair. I don't have a clear answer to any of my life questions. Who does, anyway?

I recently reflected on this and thought to myself; maybe that Man above wants me to get the best. Maybe He just wants me to experience falling in love, heartbreaks, dates and all that romance on people who are worth my time.
People who are worth my time.

Who exactly are those people? I long to experience someone who'll love me enough to wait for my "yes" after months and months of waiting, someone who'd stalk me in secret, know what I've been doing and what I've been writing and do all those little details that'l make me smile. And someone who would pick me up and always be willing to spend on gas to do so just to be able to show that he cares about me. But there's nothing more I'd love than to belong to a man I love back with all my heart.

The four of them have nothing special; there's no Chemistry, there's no connection. I usually know when I like a guy if, when he calls me, I'd be happy to receive the call. But if I hesitate and refuse to answer, then I am not interested.

And there is only one person who I wish would call me; the fifth. The fifth who I started to like but who doesn't care. Why does life have to be like that? Is he worth my time?


Thinking about it, I should admit that he isn't.

Life is like Black and White streaks. The darkness creeps up to haunt us but the dawn will come streaming in. Just like the days and nights.

One thing's for sure though; that it's always darkest before dawn.

Disorganized Harmony

I'm on my phone, in the dormitory, wandering about the lobby, looking for things to do that will benefit me academically.

So far I read and finished a chic flick book for four hours straight, and I watched two episodes of some korean soap opera until after 6:30pm. And now it's 7:17pm and what am I doing?
Blogging.
In front of the telly no less.

I am a wreck.

I am never in the mood to study, constantly thinking about that boy, about that girl, about that exam and what other worries I have in my silly mind. And to make things worse, I am sick.

In a few minutes I will stare at the stars outside and admire the vastness of disorganized harmony of which they have been placed. And when I get home, I shall continue with my painting.

Really looking forward to meeting someone like how Kate met William in London in the book "Have Glass Slippers, Will Travel".

But what am I thinking?

Calling me a hopeless romantic is the understatement of the year, and the year hasn't even started yet, really.

So with luck, I will succeed with my efforts to get out of here and reach my dreams, wherever my efforts shall take me.

When I Become Famous

I know that we're supposed to start the new year right and with a positive attitude, but I with all honestly am so lonely and depressed.

Yes, I did smile when 12:00AM January 1st, 2012 struck my country, and I have the embarrassing photo to prove it, but after all the noise-making, the merry-making, the eating, the drinking, the laughing and more eating, I suddenly looked around me, seeing all the smiles and happy faces around me, contented with who they are and what they have accomplished, and I almost shed a tear.

Because I am none of those things.

I am not contented with who I am. I haven't really accomplished anything yet. I am neither happy nor sad. I am nonchalant, that's what I am. What an enthusiastic post to start the year, eh?

It's just that whenever I see her, I feel like she's so much ahead. I know she's just like everyone else, but to me it's like she isn't. She drains me out and makes me feel like my efforts aren't worth anything.

This is one example wherein sweat and blood don't exactly make you feel triumphant. But one thing is for sure; I am in love. I am in love with my family.

That's one thing she can't have, as compared to the million other things I can't. But a million isn't worth anything if family isn't involved. That's what I learned when I looked around me; I have a family. Yes we aren't perfect, but we're a family nonetheless.

When I become famous, I will look back at what I have, not what I don't, and realize that the most beautiful gift I am blessed with is having a family to live and share my life with.

The Dawning

It's unfortunate that these passed two weeks were pretty depressing for me...these last weeks of 2011 brought me a lot of tearful nights and mornings, and even now I feel that tightening of the heart, wondering, just wondering, what I did wrong.

I feel like I just lost someone very special to me, and I do not know what became of him. Unlike if one experiences loss due to death, you know it is definite. But my case is a little different because death was not a participant, just simple, undying loss; just like the disappearing act.

I always thought I wasn't attractive nor interesting because of how I was brought up; simplicity being an important part of my life. Simplicity which I thought was so, having been evolved into neglect and laziness. I became a person who did not really care of what people thought, at least that was what I felt at the time. I realize only now that what I felt was just an excuse; I was really in denial, knowing that I had no sense of style and pretended not to care about the public eye because I didn't known how to deal with it.

Now, I am 19, going on 20 in a few months. I still do not know how to dress up everyday not looking like I just stepped out of a classroom after a horrible exam. I do not have an eye for fashion for myself, but I do have an eye for beautiful things. I still feel insecure around the people who are confident in their skin because they know they are beautiful and are proud of it. My fear; turning out like them and becoming big-headed.

I do not know Adriana Lima personally, but I hear she is smart and humble, growing up on a farm eating berries all day. But I cannot be Adriana Lima. I cannot eat berries all day in hopes to transform into a 5'10'' Brazilian goddess turned Victoria Secret Model.

Back to my first paragraph, these passed few weeks have been difficult; you meet new people and you are never really sure whether they will or will not disappoint. They color your life yet not all colors go well together. I have met some pretty good people, and because of them I have experienced the most difficult things a girl can experience. But it is part of life, and part of learning.

So here we are, once again, at the bottom of the page and at the beginning of a new chapter and a new year. It ended pretty depressingly, but it is always darkest before dawn. As the next few days are coming to an end, I hope you realize how important each of the stumbling stones we are facing is in our journey towards a better future.

Yeah, you've heard it before, you've also heard that practice makes perfect, but did you give it any attention? Just take a look at your calculus exams.
Right then.

It is always darkest before dawn. But when is the dawn coming? And how will we know if it is already darkest? That, my friends, is what we'll have to live through to figure out. Good luck. We'll sure as hell need it.

Societal Monotony

I am now at the point in my life where I have no interest in taking part in societal monotony. I have never found a liking in conforming to the public's view of how life should be lived, what clothes are in fashion, the picture of perfection in all aspects of materialism and superficiality and most of all, the stereotypical view of many on the physical interpretation of beauty.

Further more, I am utterly disgusted by the idea of resigning myself to such actions and high regard for the frivolous, materialistic and sundry desires of which society now has condemned others to thinking is a necessity.

These superficial propensities have caused a stir in my heart and mind due to the sad yet fast-spreading idea of what beauty should look like on the outside, rather than what beauty should be like in the inside.

I cannot deny the possibility of myself conforming to such ways of which I am highly in disagreement to. Then I shall have to admit that societal influence has grown stronger with every passing year and that I am fast becoming a victim like so many others who have given in at the expense of their reputation. And as such I am admitting that I am under the pressure of being just that of which I do not want to become.

That said, I am against my own accord. I will one day succumb, if I do not already, but as long as I am still in my current teenage mind, channeling uncharted waters, I shall write this down, save it, then delete it 20 years from now.

LoveSick and Sick of Love

He made me feel special, they all did. That's what they all do, until they decide to give you up.

I've been feeling down lately because I do not understand why different people from different walks of life do the same old, painful things to me. It's like a routine they practice at some school; first they make you feel all pretty and important, and then they'll make you feel cared for. And usually, at this point, you fall for their tricks, but not me. I don't because I test them; see if they'll take that extra mile for me. And I always end up disappointed.

No one is willing to make time when there is no time. And you'll know if a guy really cares for you because he'll MAKE time for you NO MATTER WHAT.

"You'll know he cares if he's always there, even if he can't be around. He'll make you feel like you're special because he knows it's true. He won't force emotion nor feelings because they all come naturally when he sees you."

Summer Goals

I've got so many short-term goals this summer.

Exercise, learn French, develop my Volleyball skills... and control my diet.

So far I've been doing pretty good, but that's probably because it's only been two days since summer started. Already I've brushed my shoes clean, given Puppy (my teddy bear) a bath and cropped my old baggy pants into a really nice skirt. I've still got so much to do around the house... you know, clean my room and all that. I'm planning on doing that tomorrow. I've also set up a work schedule, giving myself a maximum of 2 hours on the internet and laptop.

Well, if I can help it that is.

I'm not on Facebook so much because it makes me quite depressed. I don't text so much either. I'm mostly on twitter and Youtube, or here. I like to devote my time on writing songs and keeping my life in check, especially with my birthday coming up. I'm turning 19.

It's not everyday you meet people who like reading about ordinary people's lives.

Maybe that'll be my next goal; try and find a way to make myself extraordinary. Wait... that has been my goal for a few years now. Then maybe my goal should be to reach that goal. Oh well, my time's almost up.

TTFN,

andSahar

Backing Out

Tomorrow I have got a chemistry exam, and until know, I haven't studied for it. I know I'll regret it, but that still doesn't drive me to study. I'm losing hope I guess. I don't think chemistry is for me. Aren't I supposed to be interested in it then study for it because of my interest? I admire those people who are forced to take something they do not like but still excel because of scholarships, or because of expectations. They are driven, and no matter how much I try to find that drive to drive me into reaching for excellence, I still cannot get the one that will push me to my limits. I don't know why, I don't know when, I don't know how. All I know is that I do not want to do it anymore. But so far, I cannot choose to back out.

TTFN,

andSahar

2011: My First Post

This is a whole new year.

Another set of 365 days, 364 now that it's January 2.

I don't know how to start the year. I still feel like it's just 2010 repeating itself.

I'm more scared than excited. The idea of possibilities seem scarier than opportunities, don't you think?

I've listed down some things I want to change. New year resolutions? Naw, I never follow them anyway. Just things I want to change.

1. My current body weight.
2. My whole closet.
3. My lame gadgets.
4. My height? Anyone know how I can get taller?
5. The things I eat.
6. The number of things I eat.
7. My internet hours. (By "internet" I mean FB, Twitter and Tumblr.)
8. My current residence. I want to travel. See life in another country.
9. My relationships. Friends. Foes. Family.
10. My habits. I like to peel the skin of my lips and fingers.
11. My study habits.

I should have checklist, huh? Oh well. Let's hope this list won't be like all my other failed new year resolutions.

TTFN, Tah Tah For Now,

andSahar

2010: My Last Post

This will be my last blog post for 2010... can you believe that tomorrow will be a whole new year? It doesn't really seem so new... I don't feel that excited feeling I always used to feel when the new year is just hours away. And I know exactly why.

January 3rd. The day I go back to hell. January 3rd. The day all my problems will come back to haunt me. January 3rd.

I've tried to hide from them, it's exhausting trying to fight them and face them for so long. And its only been 2 years! The thing is, they won't go away that easily.

I know college isn't supposed to be so evil and horrific, but to me it is. All I want is to end the holidays with a smile on my face, happy to see my friends again, happy to be learning again, happy to be living my normal college life again, but no. I don't see it that way. Not at all.

I don't know why people go crazy just to get into college when I'm going crazy trying to run away from it. Maybe it's because they see themselves as something big in the future, without caring what others think of them. I care for the opinions of others too much and therefore hurt myself and my life. With that said, should I quit?

I know what you'll tell me. I know I know I know.

What I don't know, though, is what will happen if I take something because I love it; not really caring if it is not as challenging to me nor as admired by others like the B.I.G. jobs that win you Nobel prizes. What will happen if I take something because I want it to be my life? How will I be able to explain to myself that it's okay?

Sigh. I'm being forced by no one but myself. The world is changing. Taking a suicidal course in college is almost the same as trying to get a record company to sign you up for a contract and bring you to the top. It's mostly what you do that determines your fate. And I don't know what I should do yet.

2010 has been filled with many opportunities. Some I decided to take and some I chose to leave behind. And not all my choices were the wisest ones. 2011 is a new year. Another beginning filled with many opportunities more, yet I hope my struggle with patience will finally produce possibilities.

I can only hope.

Till next year,

Sahar

Over The Rainbow

There's something I wish to find somewhere over that rainbow...

As the song goes, "Somewhere over the rainbow, there's a dream."

Or at least I think it does...

Anyway, all I want is to find my dream, THE dream, catch it and live like all those Disney princesses have had the privilege of living; a happily ever after.

A life that sometimes feels like fantasy, so very far away; only in dreams.

I always feel emotional when I think about all the things I want to do and all the people who could care less about me. It's like the feeling you get when that sad song plays at the end of a movie, or that song the bride and groom dance to at their reception.

TTFN,

andSahar

The Fame Monster

The truth is, the feeling just keeps coming back whenever I see a picture or a comment on Facebook.

And I can see all the people who'd care when that plane lands.

I don't know if people would care if MY plane lands... except my family and friends.

But no one who I don't know will care.

Fame is a monster. And Lady Gaga captured one of them.

I want to capture one too.

Party Endings

I had so much fun last night, dancing, a few drinks, going crazy. I especially liked it because I was surrounded by my friends.

And I'm quite saddened as well for, er, specific reasons I cannot mention.

 It's sad when you know that you're going to loose someone just before you find out you like them, isn't it? Knowing that stepping out of that circle will jeopardize your life yet you still do because of the thrill of it. I like stepping out of my circle, possibly too much.

It's also sad to get attached to things even if you know that they will soon, very very soon, fade away.

And the confusing part is; you don't know if you'd take the feeling back or repeat the whole thing over again and not change a thing.

As for me, that's just another thing to be uncertain of.

In the Middle of November

No matter how many times people tell me to relax, I just can’t. It’s just not as easy for me to forget about my worries as it is for other people.

I know a few people who are almost worry-free at most points in their life. Life seems to be a breeze to them and it’s like I’m absorbing all their worries.

I’m no Spongebob.

But I am a sponge.

Spongebobette.

I remember that one afternoon when I dropped every bit of worry in my head and just had a good time. I don’t exactly know what came over me. I just felt… happy; seriously, plainly and utterly happy.

It’s surprising how my own self is almost a complete opposite of the “me” I allow people to know. It’s as if I don’t really know who I am, I just think I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just pretending to be this person I have to be rather than the person I am. 

But who am I exactly?

I never thought I’d be asking myself that question. I’ve always thought I knew myself. But in the bittersweet reality of it all, I may be unable to determine what truth really is.

As life pushes – no, drags me on, I can barely keep up. It makes me ask questions, makes me realize things; am I really being myself, or am I responding to the expectations of people?

I do not fully understand why I cannot just be happy where I am, enjoying who I am. I do not know why I have to struggle, wondering what I should become rather than just becoming what I want to be.

 Life is like New York, always busy, always jammed; a struggle. But somewhere, at some time; be it late Friday nights or early Sunday mornings, there is always that bit of happiness we enjoy when we take a sip of that cuppa’ jo. When we lie in bed, not worrying about that final exam nor that paper due Monday. When we just look up and tell ourselves that everything did turn out okay just like how we said it would when we were cramming over a college exam.

Now, I can just hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll be able to smile at myself and say, “it will all be okay” and actually believe it. Because in the bigger picture of life, that’s all we can really rely on…

TTFN,

andSahar