2010: My Last Post

This will be my last blog post for 2010... can you believe that tomorrow will be a whole new year? It doesn't really seem so new... I don't feel that excited feeling I always used to feel when the new year is just hours away. And I know exactly why.

January 3rd. The day I go back to hell. January 3rd. The day all my problems will come back to haunt me. January 3rd.

I've tried to hide from them, it's exhausting trying to fight them and face them for so long. And its only been 2 years! The thing is, they won't go away that easily.

I know college isn't supposed to be so evil and horrific, but to me it is. All I want is to end the holidays with a smile on my face, happy to see my friends again, happy to be learning again, happy to be living my normal college life again, but no. I don't see it that way. Not at all.

I don't know why people go crazy just to get into college when I'm going crazy trying to run away from it. Maybe it's because they see themselves as something big in the future, without caring what others think of them. I care for the opinions of others too much and therefore hurt myself and my life. With that said, should I quit?

I know what you'll tell me. I know I know I know.

What I don't know, though, is what will happen if I take something because I love it; not really caring if it is not as challenging to me nor as admired by others like the B.I.G. jobs that win you Nobel prizes. What will happen if I take something because I want it to be my life? How will I be able to explain to myself that it's okay?

Sigh. I'm being forced by no one but myself. The world is changing. Taking a suicidal course in college is almost the same as trying to get a record company to sign you up for a contract and bring you to the top. It's mostly what you do that determines your fate. And I don't know what I should do yet.

2010 has been filled with many opportunities. Some I decided to take and some I chose to leave behind. And not all my choices were the wisest ones. 2011 is a new year. Another beginning filled with many opportunities more, yet I hope my struggle with patience will finally produce possibilities.

I can only hope.

Till next year,

Sahar