In the Middle of November

No matter how many times people tell me to relax, I just can’t. It’s just not as easy for me to forget about my worries as it is for other people.

I know a few people who are almost worry-free at most points in their life. Life seems to be a breeze to them and it’s like I’m absorbing all their worries.

I’m no Spongebob.

But I am a sponge.

Spongebobette.

I remember that one afternoon when I dropped every bit of worry in my head and just had a good time. I don’t exactly know what came over me. I just felt… happy; seriously, plainly and utterly happy.

It’s surprising how my own self is almost a complete opposite of the “me” I allow people to know. It’s as if I don’t really know who I am, I just think I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just pretending to be this person I have to be rather than the person I am. 

But who am I exactly?

I never thought I’d be asking myself that question. I’ve always thought I knew myself. But in the bittersweet reality of it all, I may be unable to determine what truth really is.

As life pushes – no, drags me on, I can barely keep up. It makes me ask questions, makes me realize things; am I really being myself, or am I responding to the expectations of people?

I do not fully understand why I cannot just be happy where I am, enjoying who I am. I do not know why I have to struggle, wondering what I should become rather than just becoming what I want to be.

 Life is like New York, always busy, always jammed; a struggle. But somewhere, at some time; be it late Friday nights or early Sunday mornings, there is always that bit of happiness we enjoy when we take a sip of that cuppa’ jo. When we lie in bed, not worrying about that final exam nor that paper due Monday. When we just look up and tell ourselves that everything did turn out okay just like how we said it would when we were cramming over a college exam.

Now, I can just hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I’ll be able to smile at myself and say, “it will all be okay” and actually believe it. Because in the bigger picture of life, that’s all we can really rely on…

TTFN,

andSahar