Wine and Money Money Money

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When I was in high school, nobody gave me frank answers to this thing called "reality". I was living in a bubble and all I could see were the rainbow patterns drifting around, oblivious to what was really going on outside.

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My teachers would encourage me to dream big, and I would fall carelessly into my own imagination and lose myself in dreams of the future, thinking that once this whole "education" system was over, I'd soon get to that stage where I'd enjoy a fancy bubble bath with rose petals and candle light while sipping a glass of Laurent-Perrier Rose, staring into the starlit night through the glass walls of my penthouse.

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Boy was that screwed up.

It turns out, high school is just a stage in life where, if you are someone like me, you get to enjoy the final stages of being a dependent; a young and carefree lady (or gentleman) who can juggle homework, exams, student council responsibilities, the volleyball and track and field teams, prayer obligations and the occasional Saturday afternoons with your friends. Not to mention graduate on time while still making it to the top 10 list of honor students.

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I was 10th on that list.

I am not bragging. I am simply reminding myself that even though college turned out to be the complete opposite of what I experienced back in the "old" days, I did experience being at the top of my game; the leader of the pack; the alpha dog. And I'm proud of that. And though college turned my once idealist self into a realist (I still like to consider myself an optimist though, even if I know I may very well not be.), I did have a good four years of torture.

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They were four years of independence... (alright three if you don't include freshman year because, frankly speaking, we didn't have a clue what we were doing then) and the years I spent took me into a whirlwind of adventure; a dive so deep it made a permanent mark into my whole depiction of the world; of my future.

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It turns out I burst that bubble and have emerged into the state of adulthood. And I say this because right now, things are different; no more exams, no more midterms, no more cramming for a test because of partying the night before. This time, the mistakes I will make will have greater consequences to my life; I can't simple pass the next test if I fail the first one. College was a transition into reality, which is funny because I thought college was where reality emerged in all its splendor.

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Haha. Didn't see that one coming.

Now, being an individual responsible for my own life completely (and possibly for a few others), things are starting to get real. Questions start to rise and they bite me in the ass every time; and I realize that the only bubbly I can afford is the one you use to wash those dirty dishes that have been lying around for the past 4 hours (and I am being discreet here).

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Money was something I did not have a lot of, but when I did have it, I'd spend it on experiences, and I guess this is why people would think I had a lot (and I did like the feeling of being wealthy, even if it was just for a moment). Now, everything is built on practicality; you need to be practical to survive. But I don't want a life lingering on that; I am a woman fueled by passion and driven by adventure! And although the adventures I experience now consist mostly of, well, odd jobs, I never lost that high school dreamer in me that I once knew.

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I love my life, and I love even more the life I see in my head every time I stare off into space. But seriously, looking back at all the things I did; the lies, the cries, the cramming, the partying, (I keep mentioning the partying), all of them were a part of why I'm the person I am now. And although I did not have everything I wanted; my vintage-style bath tub, a bottle of 1982 vintage Merlot to get me through rough patches, or a penthouse, I did get what I needed; the wrong friends to get me through, the right friends to get me going; the hot sweaty days and the long sleepless nights of studying; the bonfires, the beers, and the experience of a lifetime. Truly, I say to you, I would never trade these memories with all the money in the world.

Well, maybe.

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Hahaha, just kidding. ;-)

XXOO

Disclaimer: Images are NOT mine. Links to their sources are given below each image.

The Beauty of Life's Imperfections

I sometimes cannot control my imagination; I daydream too much about my dreams for the future from the job I'll be getting down to the wallpaper for my bedroom in my future apartment.

It seems that I have planned out a whole bunch of things in notebooks, index cards, my diary and even on my computer so I won't "forget" what I want. But is that really the reason?

Thinking about it further, I have come to a conclusion that all the lists, by-month schedules and saved pictures of clothes, kitchens and gadgets do not only make me unable to "forget" what I want, but they also constantly remind me that I can have what I want if I keep working hard.

I like the control I have over my pictured future; the fact that I can choose how I want to live makes me happy. Maybe this is because I am at such a chaotic state right now and have no control over my life in the sense that I am limited by time, money and opportunity, and most of all, by my own emotions.

My mind has somehow conditioned itself to create a power source of encouragement to keep me going, knowing that I am the type of person who gets discouraged easily. And yes, I am a dreamer, which makes it harder for me to be doing something I know I don't want to do, due to it being "practical", rather than jumping into the whirlwind of adventure I know I could experience if I only choose to risk it.

I admit, I am lazy and weak. When it comes to things I do not like to do, I can't seem to work hard enough to excel. And this is because I know what I want; and I want to go do what I want instead of "waste" my time doing something else.

People might think this is a negative trait, but despite their judgement, I have come to accept who I am; that I am a being fueled by passion and driven by her dreams.

I like taking risks, I like getting lost, I like trying things no one's ever tried before, but I don't like the idea of bringing those I care about down if I fail. I don't like to worry myself over what other people would think because of the burden I have to carry if I fail to fulfill their expectations.

I understand you shouldn't have to think about other people's opinions too much, but after years of living a life making decisions while trying to asses every outcome and keeping a certain reputation intact, it is difficult for me to deviate from my usual ways and do things because I want to, not because people expect me to.

Isn't that a beautiful phrase? "Doing things because I want to, not because people expect me to." I admire strong-willed people who know what they want and go for it. But the situations change for everybody and not everyone can afford to take risks. Not everyone can choose what they want and go for it because of the many limitations in their lives. And this hurts a lot of people, but some have grown to accept their situation, choosing practicality over the seemingly unrealistic. This is not true for dreamers though. Dreamers are ambitious, and aim for something they want, however big or small it may seem to everybody else. And it is the dreamer who, in my opinion, gets hurt the most.

Dreamers know what they want for the future, but not necessarily how to acquire it. Many dreamers who are limited by, say money, often lead themselves to various roads in life, trying to find the right bridge to cross, never really knowing how to get new shoes once they wear out their old ones. But they keep walking anyway.

And it is not a bad life. Actually, it is a life that will give you wisdom; something you cannot get with wealth, status, connections or reputation. But it is often tiring and painful. And  some give up if so much has been lost already. But it doesn't mean they can't be happy. Life is not a game; it is not a competition to see who reaches their goal first. Life is... a journey. And you get to choose how your journey goes. Maybe not what kind of rocks you stumble upon, nor how high a wall you need to climb, but the essence of time; the things you learn, and the things you choose to learn; the roads you walk on and the paths you decide to take.

Life is good. But it is difficult.

And when you sit back, relax and listen to the echoes of laughter as your family gathers for the holidays, you'll realize that, despite the pain and trials, the discomforts and failures, and the heartaches or heartbreaks, life is, indeed, beautiful.

You Only Live Once

Wow, I haven't been here since 2012 I believe.

I'm into writing on diaries now, as it is more private. But sometimes nothing can beat the sound of the keyboard being typed on.

Forgive this long essay, writing comforts me. You'll see why in a moment.

I've failed myself. My last few posts back in 2012 were about how I wanted to be someone; how I wanted my twenties to be spent like girls in their twenties would in the movies I've watched and the stories I've read. I wanted it to be of worth and value, something memorable and fun. Not just something I have to live in. Well that dream isn't launched yet, nor is it launching anytime soon.

The rocket ship flew, but when it hit the stratosphere, it fell back down and crashed. It's broken now. And I have no way of getting back up until I fix it. And revise it.

So far my test runs haven't been doing so well. I feel like a Mentose candy being thrown into a bottle of Coke.

I apologies for the bluntness. I can't say these past few months have been anything but awful for me. My plans are constantly in need of... revision. My skin, hair, smile, even my aura has changed due to the circumstances befalling me, which affected (affects) my current "pattern" of living.

They say I am a strong woman, but sometimes the strong exterior is just a shield protecting the fearful warrior behind it. And needless to say, I am that fearful warrior. I am very afraid.

I have constantly dealt with change my whole life. I learned the hard way that one's plans cannot always push through as expected. And when they do fail, it is nothing short of disappointing. Crushing. And sometimes heartbreaking. Especially when these plans deal with your life. Your future. Your dreams.

I know I am not the only one. But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

In the movies and stories, girls my age go to the beach and enjoy the waves. They go shopping, stalk boys, have Spring Break, even go camping. I want to learn how to surf, to go jet skiing, wall climbing, archery... I want to be able to roast marshmallows by the fire with my besties. I want to be able to drive and go on roadtrips. I don't want to be so afraid of airplane rides, or swimming in lakes. But somehow the way I have lived my life has planted in me that seed of worry.

And it's growing.

The longer I live, the more I worry, most especially because none of the plans I have had in mind are working out at all.

I know that isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I am tired. And I just need to rest a while, you know? Get away from it all.

Back in college, the motto was "Study hard, party harder.". And before I never truly understood the need to do so.  But now, I see the importance of alcohol. I see the need for letting lose and just having fun; it's called survival. Now some people don't practice those methods, but to each his own, right?

I wanna go to the beach and sunbathe and not worry about getting a tan just because my friends consider it "beautiful" to be fair-skinned. I want to go roller skating in a bikini with the rest of the girls in California or Australia and not be conscious. I want to go sky diving in Rio, visit the Louvre in France, ride a Vespa in Roam, watch a fashion show in Milan, I want to do so many things and knowing that I only have one life to live worries me...

You only live once. And right now, I'm living to survive. To secure a place for my future. Yet doing so has trapped me in fear.

A preacher once said that we must give to Him our need to understand His plan.

It's not very easy, especially when you overanalize like I do. But I try. And honestly, not having everything figured out usually brings me to a happier place.

Another preacher once said that when your life starts falling apart, it might just start falling into place.

And I wish that very much.

You fail, you try again. You fail once more, you try once more. The only time you truly fail is if you allow yourself to give in to the notion that nothing can be done to improve you life. And I won't let that happen.

I'm stuck, but sometimes being stuck allows you time to rest awhile.

God knows I need that time.

You see, writing comforts me this way; allowing me to change perspectives by channeling my emotions into... ideas.

I am not cured of the inflictions caused by my own doing, but at least I have some way of belting it out piece by piece.

Who knows, later on today, tomorrow, or next year, I might finally learn how to shoot an arrow. And I might actually be good at it.